has arrived… and with it the gray and the cold and the almost constant drizzle of rain which will soon turn into sleet and snow.
I am still struggling with adjusting to life here. Oh, I do not regret being here, that’s not it = it is just so very different. And Izzybella was not well and there were – still are – family matters I have to deal with. Outside and inside myself. Challenging, that.
While I lived in T, I always pushed family stuff away = because it was, well, far away! Does not work here, I am in the middle, involved and trying to adjust and to fit in and find out: what is my place in the family? How do I deal with everybody? What do I feel? How much do I want to involve myself?
Perhaps it is similar to an earthquake: Life is the same year after year: nice stuff happens, some heartaches as well; there is interacting with friends and living in one’s house through the seasons; knowing all the stores and where to go and what to do in one’s town. Life just splashes along. And then: an earthquake! = my move to G! And then nothing is okay anymore, I feel completely out of place = seismic ripples. Everything has shifted, nothing is like it was. Yes, I myself ‘made’ the quake, so to speak, and now I have to deal with all the shifting.
Of course, the changes on the surface are pretty obvious: I am in another country! But the earthly activities go deeper…
Life feels strange here, the rhythm is different, everything is smaller and closer together, parking is expensive and a nightmare, there are a lot of traffic jams all the time, people act almost harsh sometimes and I am still surprised that everybody talks German here and I feel strange and out of place. And I have no idea what to do and how to deal with life here…
Some things – like traffic and finding stores, for example – are ‘outside’ stuff, it will just take time and would be the same with every move. The ‘inside’ stuff – like how do I want to live here, what do I want to do – will take longer. I haven’t caught up emotionally yet; I have not, cannot, process it all yet.
Everything is moving along nicely, all is good, I can see that.
However, I do feel discombobulated, upset, strange, confused, sad, fearful, and almost always out of place and time.
I know it will take long (longer than I thought!) for me to feel ‘in place and time’ here. It’s like ‘oh, great, I am finally home’, and – the next minute: ‘huh? Am I really here?’ and then ‘this is so strange, I am so far away still’ – all of those thoughts and emotions pretty much happen simultaneously and often. Yeah. Confusing, that.
The upcoming holidays will be good, the magic time between the years = I love that. That time will help me to learn how to be in the moment more, cherish the day as it unfolds; sense more of me, what is good for me right at this very moment… .